David was a wonderful man and a force to be reckoned with and gave his all to every aspect of his life, he was clever, confident, funny, shy but outgoing but he was trying to overcome addiction in silence.I miss my brother every single day of my life. I miss his easy smile, his calls, his humour. The day he died I didn’t just lose a brother. I lost my best friend and a son.

David tried visiting a group called Andy’s man’s club because his mental health wasn’t great, Andy’s man club is a charity in the UK supporting men’s mental health. He knew himself he wasn’t in a good place. David tried rehab he often spoke to me about how he felt, about how his life was difficult yet nothing ever indicated his desire to die.

David was a loving man, he is missed every day by his family. We are shattered beyond belief at the loss of someone so huge in our lives. He hid his feelings behind his smiles and he ended his pain without knowing he would pass the pain on to us.He wasn’t afraid or selfish, he just needed to go. It’s taken me two years to understand this and two years to know that his pain was so great no amount of love could have kept him with us.When David was 12 and I was 22 we lost our brother Steven also to Suicide this was back in 1998, Steven ended his pain following a long battle with bowel disease, Steven was 21 years old and his death impacted David throughout his lifetime. Steven’s death and the impact this had on David was to follow him to his own death.

David was my go to and I was his, we shared a special bond having lost both parents and our Steven in 1998.
Being the eldest I took responsibility for raising my brothers and they became like my sons. We have a younger brother called Liam who loved David and who misses him as much as I do.

On the 11th July 2024 a day etched forever in my brain I found my beautiful boy dead. It continues to be the singular worse day of my life.He deserves recognition for being the best brother me and my youngest brother Liam could have ever wished for.

So it’s been two years, it’s been brutal. I’ve been in some dark places and drowned in grief, the worst part is not knowing why he left but what I do know is that those like me who are surviving suicide loss are warriors.People think you have survived this death because you look ok on the outside, you have to function and find inner strength from within to make it through each day, a day at a time, sometimes an hour, sometimes minutes.

Life goes on, the world revolves around you and sometimes you feel like your looking at it all through a glass window, the pain and suffering, the guilt, the depression and despair, the loss of self care and hatred of those around you who are happy, I’ve experienced all this and I’m Still here trying to make sense of his death but I do it for him because I know deep down my brother would never have wanted this pain for me.What some do not understand is that you have to relearn how to survive each day, because each day you are suffering, those who leave us behind do so because they aren’t meant for this world anymore. I’ve lost two beautiful brothers to suicide but I’ll fight on.

Our job is to ensure their lives were not in vain, they are not loved in a past tense, they are loved in every moment in every memory. David is still with me everyday. I just have to learn how to cope in a world without him and I’m trying so hard to do that.

I’ll leave this with you, l am still lost, I sometimes wish I was with David but I fight back that feeling every day and im present for my own children, the loss over my brother is so profound but I have the clarity to realise that I would never wish the same pain I experience on my sons. My boys without knowing have saved me countless times these past two years.I’ve had to fight for my own survival and learn to take help and seek guidance from those who know how I feel.

The support from this group, the admin of this community who reach out to me regularly has helped me through some bad days. In the early days I sent WhatsApp messages daily for help and it was given to me.I am grateful for my family, for support networks and for people like me who go through the same and come out fighting. You are worthy and you will be ok